Ok. So I know I haven't blogged on here in forever. Life gets away from me sometimes. :) But here I am.
Updates on Schuyler and Sam... Sam doesn't have a cathetor anymore. He actually hasn't for awhile but again.. I stink at this. Sam is out running and just being a normal thriving teenager. He doesn't quite have the strength he used to, but he will. Schuyler can walk!!!.. but no running yet. They said in about another month he can start running and exercizing. He is pumped!! He really wants to play backetball this year, and is eager to get in shape.
We finally moved their rooms out of our sun room. Sam's is back upstairs, and Schuyler's is where our schoolroom used to be. So he actually has privacy and his own room for the first time in his life!!
Well I know this is short, but I need to head to bed. I have work tomorrow. Ugh. God bless! Sarah
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Why do you run? Why do you hide? Don't you know.. I just want to be with you?
I went to Dan's grave today.. this entire week I have felt the power of God moving in my life, and for some reason I wanted to go to the source that had started it all. When Dan died and my brothers and Tom were in the hospital, things changed in me. Some were for the good, but alot were for the bad. Lastnight I had a really interesting conversation with a good friend of mine, Keith Gingerich. I realized from the conversation with him that when the accident happened I tried to carry myself through that time, and I made alot of bad decisions. I kind of took the role of mom in our house and it was a very stressful time. I was trying to balance work, friends, a boyfriend, hospitals, and little rascally boys that wanted their mom. I needed help. But I never sought it out. So I struggled on for awhile, but eventually I fell. And I fell hard. And the struggle didn't stop when my brothers came home. It just got worse. I got frustrated and angry about certain things, and I pushed God to the side. I had more peace about my brothers then I did about the things going on in my own heart. I tried a few times to get things back in shape.. cause I knew I needed to, but I never had peace. So the other night my friend Keith basically told me in so many words, "Sarah. You are not the same." I think that someone needed to speak those words to me 3 months ago. I had changed. I had turned from God without knowing it. Keith saw it. He may have been the only one, but his words were all I needed. God knew that! :)
A week or so ago I had a dream. I dreamt that I was home and there were a bunch of my close girl friends at my house, and we were getting ready for a wedding. Even though it was never implied I knew that each and everyone of us was a bride. No one was a spectator. We were all putting on pretty dresses and makeup, and it was getting time for us to leave, when I realized that I didn't have my dress on and I couldn't find it. I asked a few of the girls if they had seen it but none had. The dream ended with everyone leaving and me being the only without a dress. I was devastated. I woke up and knew exactly what it meant.. The parable of the brides going out and meeting the bridegroom was brought to my mind. I guess I was one of the ones without the oil in my lanp. God was whispering in my ear.. "Sarah you are not ready for the great wedding. You need to get right with me." Our God is great and merciful! I am humbled at His beckoning for me. He beckons when I should be pursuing. He waits when I should be following.
Sin is an ugly thing. It creeps into our lives and waits for the right time to attack. I look back on these last 3 months and this sin I have been hiding has really been there all along. It's just been waiting to show its ugliness. It's been festering and gathering strength and then it attacked when I was at my lowest. What's weird is I can honestly say it surfaced the night of the accident.
"Be thruthful with ourselves".. was one of the lessons we learned in church today. Be truthful. Don't let that sin lie. Call it out! I wish in some ways I could tell you all more detail about things that have gone on in my heart.. but some of them I am still sorting out and it's not the time. :) But I can tell you all.. fear God. To fear is to respect and admonish something. Love God. To love is to give something of yourself, to give up being selfish, and being all about them and none of you, its about grace and mercy, communion and fellowship, and well basically everything that is good and beautiful. :) "He must become greater; I must become less."
I can go on forever about all of this, but I wont. Maybe none of this makes sense and you are all confused? I am not a great writer.. I am only learning. God is moving and speaking and I'm trying to listen, but it's hard when the world is screaming at you. So I'll end this and say that I went to Dan's grave today.. there is no actual gravestone yet. It's just a marker and some dirt. I stared at it for awhile.. but nothing happened. I turned around and looked at my little sister Sophie's grave, she is buried right in front of Dan. "I always wanted a little sister", I said to myself, but tears quickly choked me up. I do have a lttle sister in heaven, and I have a Grandpa, and a friend, and most humbling.. a Savior. A Savior that I openly mock everytime I sin and don't turn from it. I have a Heavenly Father who knows all and sees all that I do. I went to Dan's grave cause I wanted to go to the source, I thought, of all the turmoil in my life.. when I got there I realized I was the source. I was ashamed when I thought about my little sister up there looking down on me and seeing me for who I really am. I'm sorry Lord. I am so sorry! We all sin and fall short. Whether everyone reading this believes in God wont make a difference.. we will all die someday and will have to give an account of our lives and ALL our sins to God Himself. Christ died many years ago and wiped our slates clean if we would just ask forgiveness and confess and believe in our hearts that He is Lord of all! Don't wait till you realize the wedding is here and you don't have a dress. God bless.. Sarah
"You cried, wolf. The tears they soaked your fur. The blood dripped from your fangs. You said 'What have I done?' You loved that lamb. With every sinful bone. And there you wept alone. Your heart was so contrite. You said 'Jesus please forgive me of my crimes. Sanctify this withered heart of mine. Stay with me until my life is through. And on that day, please take me home with you.' ...I am the way. Follow me and take my hand. And I am the truth. embrace me and your'll understand. I am the life. Through me you'll live again. For I am love. I am love. I am love." -Relient K
A week or so ago I had a dream. I dreamt that I was home and there were a bunch of my close girl friends at my house, and we were getting ready for a wedding. Even though it was never implied I knew that each and everyone of us was a bride. No one was a spectator. We were all putting on pretty dresses and makeup, and it was getting time for us to leave, when I realized that I didn't have my dress on and I couldn't find it. I asked a few of the girls if they had seen it but none had. The dream ended with everyone leaving and me being the only without a dress. I was devastated. I woke up and knew exactly what it meant.. The parable of the brides going out and meeting the bridegroom was brought to my mind. I guess I was one of the ones without the oil in my lanp. God was whispering in my ear.. "Sarah you are not ready for the great wedding. You need to get right with me." Our God is great and merciful! I am humbled at His beckoning for me. He beckons when I should be pursuing. He waits when I should be following.
Sin is an ugly thing. It creeps into our lives and waits for the right time to attack. I look back on these last 3 months and this sin I have been hiding has really been there all along. It's just been waiting to show its ugliness. It's been festering and gathering strength and then it attacked when I was at my lowest. What's weird is I can honestly say it surfaced the night of the accident.
"Be thruthful with ourselves".. was one of the lessons we learned in church today. Be truthful. Don't let that sin lie. Call it out! I wish in some ways I could tell you all more detail about things that have gone on in my heart.. but some of them I am still sorting out and it's not the time. :) But I can tell you all.. fear God. To fear is to respect and admonish something. Love God. To love is to give something of yourself, to give up being selfish, and being all about them and none of you, its about grace and mercy, communion and fellowship, and well basically everything that is good and beautiful. :) "He must become greater; I must become less."
I can go on forever about all of this, but I wont. Maybe none of this makes sense and you are all confused? I am not a great writer.. I am only learning. God is moving and speaking and I'm trying to listen, but it's hard when the world is screaming at you. So I'll end this and say that I went to Dan's grave today.. there is no actual gravestone yet. It's just a marker and some dirt. I stared at it for awhile.. but nothing happened. I turned around and looked at my little sister Sophie's grave, she is buried right in front of Dan. "I always wanted a little sister", I said to myself, but tears quickly choked me up. I do have a lttle sister in heaven, and I have a Grandpa, and a friend, and most humbling.. a Savior. A Savior that I openly mock everytime I sin and don't turn from it. I have a Heavenly Father who knows all and sees all that I do. I went to Dan's grave cause I wanted to go to the source, I thought, of all the turmoil in my life.. when I got there I realized I was the source. I was ashamed when I thought about my little sister up there looking down on me and seeing me for who I really am. I'm sorry Lord. I am so sorry! We all sin and fall short. Whether everyone reading this believes in God wont make a difference.. we will all die someday and will have to give an account of our lives and ALL our sins to God Himself. Christ died many years ago and wiped our slates clean if we would just ask forgiveness and confess and believe in our hearts that He is Lord of all! Don't wait till you realize the wedding is here and you don't have a dress. God bless.. Sarah
"You cried, wolf. The tears they soaked your fur. The blood dripped from your fangs. You said 'What have I done?' You loved that lamb. With every sinful bone. And there you wept alone. Your heart was so contrite. You said 'Jesus please forgive me of my crimes. Sanctify this withered heart of mine. Stay with me until my life is through. And on that day, please take me home with you.' ...I am the way. Follow me and take my hand. And I am the truth. embrace me and your'll understand. I am the life. Through me you'll live again. For I am love. I am love. I am love." -Relient K
Friday, August 15, 2008
Grandpa Binion
Hey All. Late lastnight my mom took Sam to the emergency room. Ever since he got his cathetor out he has trouble going to the bathroom, but then if he doesn't go his butt starts to hurt. It was just this endless cycle that we couldn't understand. Lastnight it was hurting him so bad that it brought him to tears. So my mom took him, and when they got there they put a cathetor in and his bladder drained 700 cc's of urine. Normally your bladder should only hold 400 cc's. So obviously he had scar tissue or something blocking his ureter from being able to drain. Pray for his healing. And it's a little bit of a set back too. It's going to be hard for him to work out and become stronger if he has a cathetor in, and there is also a big possibility of another surgery.
Also keep our family in your prayers. My dad called us early this morning. He had been staying at my Grandparents house as my Grandpa was getting close to the end of his life. For all of you who didn't know.. my Grandpa had been battling cancer for a while now. It had seemed to go into remission for awhile, but then it came back with a vengeance. Right before the accident he was told he didn't have too much longer to live, but I think when the boys got hurt he held on to make sure they were going to be alright. In the last month he had been rapidly getting weaker and weaker. His organs were beginning to fail, he was losng weight, and couldn't eat.
I've never had to watch someone die before my eyes. A couple days ago all the kids and grand kids went in and said goodbye. He was heavily sedated and couldn't really respond, but right before we left he woke up enough to tell all of us he loved us. We all wished him farewell and told him we would see him in heaven. What a wonderful gift it was for all of us to have that reassurance. :) Early this morning my dad called and told us that my Grandpa had passed away. Sunday would be his 69th birthday. Pray for my Grandma, my dad, and my aunts.
It is hard for me to write now. As I write so many memories come blur my vision in the form of tears. :) Pray that this is an opportunity for my family to show my aunts and my Grandma the real Jesus. :) They are also struggling with bitterness and regret. Pray for my dad.. this is a heavy burden for him to bear.
God bless.. Sarah
Also keep our family in your prayers. My dad called us early this morning. He had been staying at my Grandparents house as my Grandpa was getting close to the end of his life. For all of you who didn't know.. my Grandpa had been battling cancer for a while now. It had seemed to go into remission for awhile, but then it came back with a vengeance. Right before the accident he was told he didn't have too much longer to live, but I think when the boys got hurt he held on to make sure they were going to be alright. In the last month he had been rapidly getting weaker and weaker. His organs were beginning to fail, he was losng weight, and couldn't eat.
I've never had to watch someone die before my eyes. A couple days ago all the kids and grand kids went in and said goodbye. He was heavily sedated and couldn't really respond, but right before we left he woke up enough to tell all of us he loved us. We all wished him farewell and told him we would see him in heaven. What a wonderful gift it was for all of us to have that reassurance. :) Early this morning my dad called and told us that my Grandpa had passed away. Sunday would be his 69th birthday. Pray for my Grandma, my dad, and my aunts.
It is hard for me to write now. As I write so many memories come blur my vision in the form of tears. :) Pray that this is an opportunity for my family to show my aunts and my Grandma the real Jesus. :) They are also struggling with bitterness and regret. Pray for my dad.. this is a heavy burden for him to bear.
God bless.. Sarah
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
the Storm
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long shall I have councel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," And my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken. But I have trusted in Your loving kindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13
The storm tonight reminded me to write. And to pray. It reminded me of the night of the accident.."when the storm clouds came rolling in wave after wave each displaying their own shade of blue. And the clouds and our eyes both poured out their waters on the day that we heard we lost you.."
Everytime I hear that verse shivers run down my spine. It's been a little over two months since the accident. I'm sure to most of the world things went on, but to us and the Robinson's August 3rd was a sad day. We did normal things but our hearts were elsewhere. I remember the day of the accident like it was yesterday.. I took Schuyler and Sam over to the Robinson's. I left and went straght over to the building to work out and clean up some stuff from the graduation we had 2 days before. I worked out a little, but for some reason my mind was in the clouds. So I went down and started to clean up the kitchen. I remember stopping and looking up at the ceiling like maybe God was right there looking down on me. I stared up there and I whispered.."God remind me how much I need you. Shake me up and turn my world upside down. Give me direction!" I don't know why I prayed that?? But I did. I have actually never told that to anyone I don't think?.. Little did I know that probably not too many moments before God was already answering my prayers. God did not ordain or want this to happen, but it did. And He wants to use it to glorify His name.
My brothers and Tom are healing and moving on with their lives. Sam can actually walk now and he got his cathetor(sp?) out. Their scars and hurts are healing! Praise God. But the memory of that day will never go away. We have pictures that an EMT took of the scene of the wreck and they actually have shots of Schuyler being put into the helicopter. I saw that helicopter fly over the building that day. At the time I didn't know my little brother was in it.. :( I drove home right after that. By that time I was balling cause even though it wasn't confirmed I knew it was the boys. I woke Seth up. We got dressed and Seth made some phone calls. We finally heard that it was our brothers and we sped out the door and drove ungodly speeds to Carle. All I can remember from that drive was fear. So much fear. I remembered my prayer and I pleaded with God for my brothers lives. I remember when we got the phone call about Dan and Seth punched the roof of his car. He pulled over and couldn't drive, but our pursuit was back in a few minutes, we were frantic for our brothers. After that the drive was more grief then fear. We got to the hospital and the waiting room was hell. So many people, so many unanswered questions. I remember when the doctors finally came in and told us the boys' injuries. Sam: broken pelvis, torn bladder, and bruised brain. At the time they didn't know he had a torn urethra. Schuyler: ruptured spleen, lacerated kidney and bruised liver, laceration on his left leg. right tibia broken, broken jaw, torn bladder, and broken pelvis. They later found out at Children's that he also had 3 broken ribs. And both had multiple cuts and bruises all over their bodies. I remember when we got to go see them before they went in for their surgeries.. Schuyler was awake and so scared. He thought he was driving the car and that Sam was dead. He couldn't close his mouth because his jaw was broken twice and it was filled with blood. He never wanted to know about himself, he just jept asking about Sam. It's strange that in times of affliction something beautiful comes out in every man and women. We stop our lives and our selfishness and our only thoughts and prayers are for others. That is the way I think God intended life. To be all about Him and everyone else, never dwelling on ourselves. Sam was unconscious when I saw him. But I remember he looked so little. :) So young and fragile. When we were at Children's Schuyler always looked like a man in a little kids bed. He looked so big and like he didn't belong. But Sam he always looked little and young. Like he still needed his mom. Like he should still be at home playing in the dirt, not going to open gyms and getting in car wrecks. I'm sure the Robinson's have felt these same things about Dan. About why they let him go? Why him? No one knows why, but again we will glorify God in this storm. And that's the last thing I remember about that night. The storm. It rained on Dan's birthday last week. How befitting.
So I guess that brings me full circle to this night. Nothing significant happened. No one else got in a wreck. It just rained and God showed off his fireworks. Dan was so special to all of us, but this isn't some kind of cheesy tribute to him. Dan is in a better place then this! But I write this to Jesus.. We want to glorify Your name by this life we live. Sorry that we have forgotten You. We pray and want our eyes to be opened. Teach us to live according to Your word. And with Your help we will praise you in this storm! :)
God bless.
~Sarah
The storm tonight reminded me to write. And to pray. It reminded me of the night of the accident.."when the storm clouds came rolling in wave after wave each displaying their own shade of blue. And the clouds and our eyes both poured out their waters on the day that we heard we lost you.."
Everytime I hear that verse shivers run down my spine. It's been a little over two months since the accident. I'm sure to most of the world things went on, but to us and the Robinson's August 3rd was a sad day. We did normal things but our hearts were elsewhere. I remember the day of the accident like it was yesterday.. I took Schuyler and Sam over to the Robinson's. I left and went straght over to the building to work out and clean up some stuff from the graduation we had 2 days before. I worked out a little, but for some reason my mind was in the clouds. So I went down and started to clean up the kitchen. I remember stopping and looking up at the ceiling like maybe God was right there looking down on me. I stared up there and I whispered.."God remind me how much I need you. Shake me up and turn my world upside down. Give me direction!" I don't know why I prayed that?? But I did. I have actually never told that to anyone I don't think?.. Little did I know that probably not too many moments before God was already answering my prayers. God did not ordain or want this to happen, but it did. And He wants to use it to glorify His name.
My brothers and Tom are healing and moving on with their lives. Sam can actually walk now and he got his cathetor(sp?) out. Their scars and hurts are healing! Praise God. But the memory of that day will never go away. We have pictures that an EMT took of the scene of the wreck and they actually have shots of Schuyler being put into the helicopter. I saw that helicopter fly over the building that day. At the time I didn't know my little brother was in it.. :( I drove home right after that. By that time I was balling cause even though it wasn't confirmed I knew it was the boys. I woke Seth up. We got dressed and Seth made some phone calls. We finally heard that it was our brothers and we sped out the door and drove ungodly speeds to Carle. All I can remember from that drive was fear. So much fear. I remembered my prayer and I pleaded with God for my brothers lives. I remember when we got the phone call about Dan and Seth punched the roof of his car. He pulled over and couldn't drive, but our pursuit was back in a few minutes, we were frantic for our brothers. After that the drive was more grief then fear. We got to the hospital and the waiting room was hell. So many people, so many unanswered questions. I remember when the doctors finally came in and told us the boys' injuries. Sam: broken pelvis, torn bladder, and bruised brain. At the time they didn't know he had a torn urethra. Schuyler: ruptured spleen, lacerated kidney and bruised liver, laceration on his left leg. right tibia broken, broken jaw, torn bladder, and broken pelvis. They later found out at Children's that he also had 3 broken ribs. And both had multiple cuts and bruises all over their bodies. I remember when we got to go see them before they went in for their surgeries.. Schuyler was awake and so scared. He thought he was driving the car and that Sam was dead. He couldn't close his mouth because his jaw was broken twice and it was filled with blood. He never wanted to know about himself, he just jept asking about Sam. It's strange that in times of affliction something beautiful comes out in every man and women. We stop our lives and our selfishness and our only thoughts and prayers are for others. That is the way I think God intended life. To be all about Him and everyone else, never dwelling on ourselves. Sam was unconscious when I saw him. But I remember he looked so little. :) So young and fragile. When we were at Children's Schuyler always looked like a man in a little kids bed. He looked so big and like he didn't belong. But Sam he always looked little and young. Like he still needed his mom. Like he should still be at home playing in the dirt, not going to open gyms and getting in car wrecks. I'm sure the Robinson's have felt these same things about Dan. About why they let him go? Why him? No one knows why, but again we will glorify God in this storm. And that's the last thing I remember about that night. The storm. It rained on Dan's birthday last week. How befitting.
So I guess that brings me full circle to this night. Nothing significant happened. No one else got in a wreck. It just rained and God showed off his fireworks. Dan was so special to all of us, but this isn't some kind of cheesy tribute to him. Dan is in a better place then this! But I write this to Jesus.. We want to glorify Your name by this life we live. Sorry that we have forgotten You. We pray and want our eyes to be opened. Teach us to live according to Your word. And with Your help we will praise you in this storm! :)
God bless.
~Sarah
Friday, July 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
in Christ alone my Hope is found
Well it seems that the time in between my blogs get farther and farther apart with earch blog. Life just gets busier and busier. Next week I go back to work.. and life continues to go on.
I saw that Cristal wrote the results of Sam's CT scan, so yes, Sam did get his brace off!! They said that the only time he would really ever have to wear it was when we are riding in a car. Just in case we have to come to a sudden stop or something. They did recommend he not play football, but I think that is a small price for Sam's life and recovery. :)
Some days are hard and bitter around here. Schuyler voiced to me lastnight some of his frustrations.. I guess one of his doctors, for some reason, encouraged them to watch movies and videos about sports. He said it would be good for them. It was late at night and Schuyler told me that he didn't understand why the doctors would openly taunt them about ever having the possiblity of playing sports again. I know that every family is different, but sports in our home has always meant a lot. We all have different talents and strengths and we have always excelled in sports. Schuyler especially may never have the opportunity to play on an organized team. It's heartbreaking for him. He knows, and we all know, that in the long run his life and his health mean so much more!.. but that doesn't stop the ache.
So as I just wrote all of that above I felt God tugging at my heart and I had to stop and pray. We are all fighting a battle. We forget that sometimes.. Satans greatest attack on humanity was convincing the World that He doesn't exist. Satan wants us to believe that he isn't real, and that we don't need to be in constant prayer for ourselves and one another. Satan wants Schuyler to become bitter and angry about what he has lost and what hurts, instead of being so grateful for what he has and what he has gained from this trial. In so many ways this whole experience has been a attack from the evil one. He wants us to forget. He wants us to be angry. He wants us to stop growing. Satan would be happy if just one soul fell away. But the Lord will rejoice if through all this just one soul comes to Him. If just one single man, women, teen, child, or baby comes back to Him.
So to everyone who is somehow connected through this accident.. Don't forget. Satan is real and He wants your soul. But through Christ and His death and ressurection you have power and Hope. I say all this in light of the sermon on Sunday. Don't live your Christian life service to service.. Wakeup everyday and live each day as it is your last.. serving God. Cause who knows when that day will be? Oh and tell the world, tell them what you have seen through this. Tell them about Jesus. Tell them about where Dan is. Tell Them about the Hope we have. :)
God bless! -Sarah
I saw that Cristal wrote the results of Sam's CT scan, so yes, Sam did get his brace off!! They said that the only time he would really ever have to wear it was when we are riding in a car. Just in case we have to come to a sudden stop or something. They did recommend he not play football, but I think that is a small price for Sam's life and recovery. :)
Some days are hard and bitter around here. Schuyler voiced to me lastnight some of his frustrations.. I guess one of his doctors, for some reason, encouraged them to watch movies and videos about sports. He said it would be good for them. It was late at night and Schuyler told me that he didn't understand why the doctors would openly taunt them about ever having the possiblity of playing sports again. I know that every family is different, but sports in our home has always meant a lot. We all have different talents and strengths and we have always excelled in sports. Schuyler especially may never have the opportunity to play on an organized team. It's heartbreaking for him. He knows, and we all know, that in the long run his life and his health mean so much more!.. but that doesn't stop the ache.
So as I just wrote all of that above I felt God tugging at my heart and I had to stop and pray. We are all fighting a battle. We forget that sometimes.. Satans greatest attack on humanity was convincing the World that He doesn't exist. Satan wants us to believe that he isn't real, and that we don't need to be in constant prayer for ourselves and one another. Satan wants Schuyler to become bitter and angry about what he has lost and what hurts, instead of being so grateful for what he has and what he has gained from this trial. In so many ways this whole experience has been a attack from the evil one. He wants us to forget. He wants us to be angry. He wants us to stop growing. Satan would be happy if just one soul fell away. But the Lord will rejoice if through all this just one soul comes to Him. If just one single man, women, teen, child, or baby comes back to Him.
So to everyone who is somehow connected through this accident.. Don't forget. Satan is real and He wants your soul. But through Christ and His death and ressurection you have power and Hope. I say all this in light of the sermon on Sunday. Don't live your Christian life service to service.. Wakeup everyday and live each day as it is your last.. serving God. Cause who knows when that day will be? Oh and tell the world, tell them what you have seen through this. Tell them about Jesus. Tell them about where Dan is. Tell Them about the Hope we have. :)
God bless! -Sarah
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