Why do you run? Why do you hide? Don't you know.. I just want to be with you?

I went to Dan's grave today.. this entire week I have felt the power of God moving in my life, and for some reason I wanted to go to the source that had started it all. When Dan died and my brothers and Tom were in the hospital, things changed in me. Some were for the good, but alot were for the bad. Lastnight I had a really interesting conversation with a good friend of mine, Keith Gingerich. I realized from the conversation with him that when the accident happened I tried to carry myself through that time, and I made alot of bad decisions. I kind of took the role of mom in our house and it was a very stressful time. I was trying to balance work, friends, a boyfriend, hospitals, and little rascally boys that wanted their mom. I needed help. But I never sought it out. So I struggled on for awhile, but eventually I fell. And I fell hard. And the struggle didn't stop when my brothers came home. It just got worse. I got frustrated and angry about certain things, and I pushed God to the side. I had more peace about my brothers then I did about the things going on in my own heart. I tried a few times to get things back in shape.. cause I knew I needed to, but I never had peace. So the other night my friend Keith basically told me in so many words, "Sarah. You are not the same." I think that someone needed to speak those words to me 3 months ago. I had changed. I had turned from God without knowing it. Keith saw it. He may have been the only one, but his words were all I needed. God knew that! :)
A week or so ago I had a dream. I dreamt that I was home and there were a bunch of my close girl friends at my house, and we were getting ready for a wedding. Even though it was never implied I knew that each and everyone of us was a bride. No one was a spectator. We were all putting on pretty dresses and makeup, and it was getting time for us to leave, when I realized that I didn't have my dress on and I couldn't find it. I asked a few of the girls if they had seen it but none had. The dream ended with everyone leaving and me being the only without a dress. I was devastated. I woke up and knew exactly what it meant.. The parable of the brides going out and meeting the bridegroom was brought to my mind. I guess I was one of the ones without the oil in my lanp. God was whispering in my ear.. "Sarah you are not ready for the great wedding. You need to get right with me." Our God is great and merciful! I am humbled at His beckoning for me. He beckons when I should be pursuing. He waits when I should be following.
Sin is an ugly thing. It creeps into our lives and waits for the right time to attack. I look back on these last 3 months and this sin I have been hiding has really been there all along. It's just been waiting to show its ugliness. It's been festering and gathering strength and then it attacked when I was at my lowest. What's weird is I can honestly say it surfaced the night of the accident.
"Be thruthful with ourselves".. was one of the lessons we learned in church today. Be truthful. Don't let that sin lie. Call it out! I wish in some ways I could tell you all more detail about things that have gone on in my heart.. but some of them I am still sorting out and it's not the time. :) But I can tell you all.. fear God. To fear is to respect and admonish something. Love God. To love is to give something of yourself, to give up being selfish, and being all about them and none of you, its about grace and mercy, communion and fellowship, and well basically everything that is good and beautiful. :) "He must become greater; I must become less."
I can go on forever about all of this, but I wont. Maybe none of this makes sense and you are all confused? I am not a great writer.. I am only learning. God is moving and speaking and I'm trying to listen, but it's hard when the world is screaming at you. So I'll end this and say that I went to Dan's grave today.. there is no actual gravestone yet. It's just a marker and some dirt. I stared at it for awhile.. but nothing happened. I turned around and looked at my little sister Sophie's grave, she is buried right in front of Dan. "I always wanted a little sister", I said to myself, but tears quickly choked me up. I do have a lttle sister in heaven, and I have a Grandpa, and a friend, and most humbling.. a Savior. A Savior that I openly mock everytime I sin and don't turn from it. I have a Heavenly Father who knows all and sees all that I do. I went to Dan's grave cause I wanted to go to the source, I thought, of all the turmoil in my life.. when I got there I realized I was the source. I was ashamed when I thought about my little sister up there looking down on me and seeing me for who I really am. I'm sorry Lord. I am so sorry! We all sin and fall short. Whether everyone reading this believes in God wont make a difference.. we will all die someday and will have to give an account of our lives and ALL our sins to God Himself. Christ died many years ago and wiped our slates clean if we would just ask forgiveness and confess and believe in our hearts that He is Lord of all! Don't wait till you realize the wedding is here and you don't have a dress. God bless.. Sarah

"You cried, wolf. The tears they soaked your fur. The blood dripped from your fangs. You said 'What have I done?' You loved that lamb. With every sinful bone. And there you wept alone. Your heart was so contrite. You said 'Jesus please forgive me of my crimes. Sanctify this withered heart of mine. Stay with me until my life is through. And on that day, please take me home with you.' ...I am the way. Follow me and take my hand. And I am the truth. embrace me and your'll understand. I am the life. Through me you'll live again. For I am love. I am love. I am love." -Relient K